


BECOMING THE PUCKING HERO

by webhead3019



Series: A PERIOD FOR HEROES [2]
Category: Family Guy (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:41:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21773878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webhead3019/pseuds/webhead3019
Summary: Hockey Cop may be a self-appointed hero, but no one has recorded the vigilante in action before. When presented with the opportunity to kill his arch-nemesis, will he do so with the world watching? Will Hockey Cop prove himself to be no different than his adversary or will he rise above and become the pucking hero Ice City is desperately in need of?
Series: A PERIOD FOR HEROES [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569217





	1. HERE COMES THE PUCKING HERO

I parked my Zamboni in an obscure alleyway close to Ice City Hall. Pop Jerry was calling out the Hockey Cop and he was going to pucking get him. I should have sent that cockpucker to H-E-double hockey sticks a long time ago. I stepped out of the Zamboni and chose my instruments of murder. I had just shut the trunk with my hockey stick in hand, when someone ran into me. I barked, “Son of a bitch motherpucker, don’t puck with me!” I raised my hockey stick in defense, about to lay it down in like an ax to the head when I stopped myself. Enthusiastically, the boy exclaimed, “Woah, you’re him! You’re Hockey Cop!” I lowered my stick and said, “Indeed I am. Who’s asking?”

Before he could answer for me, I guessed, “The pucking mayor perhaps?” With a frightened look about him, the boy shook me by the shoulder pads and begged, “Please mister, you’ve got to save me! This twinkle-toed fucking midget is trying to kill me!” I asked, “Excuse me?” Sir Harms burst out of the corner and said, “Where’d that fat little shit run off to! There ye are, unlucky bastard! I’m gonna cut ya fuckin guts out and get me Unlucky Charms. I’ll show ye the unlucky one when I remove me charms from ya fuckin body.” I said, “Oh, please. Give me a pucking break here. You don’t have to be afraid of the mean scary troll. He wouldn’t hurt a soul IRL. I mean, look at him!”

I pointed at Sir Harms and reiterated, “If that isn’t enough to convince you, it does say so on the TV. I mean... shit kid. Don’t you watch your own pucking commercials?” Sir Harms shouted, “I’ll show you your guts too, you fucking shit!” The kid screamed and ran off. I waved to Sir Harms and said, “Sir Harms! Huge fan. You really show those thieving little pucks what’s up. Of course, I would never condone the actual murder of children.” Sir Harms responded coolly, “Well, ya shouldn’t believe everything you see on the boob tube!” I said, “Wow. Who would have thought saying boob could you make you so wise. I’ve been dying to ask you. Are you actually an evil troll or are you just a little person?”

The evil Leprechaun shot back, “Enough is enough, mate. The time for chitchat is over. Help me catch this fucking kid or so help me faerie godmother, get the shitting fuck out of me way!” I clutched my chest and gasped, “Ouch! Why don’t you punch me with a hockey puck straight to the pucking heart what you’re at it? What a rude little guy.” I watched as the Leprechaun tackled the boy with superhuman strength. I’m assuming it was superhuman strength, because the boy was twice his size in both height and weight. Sir Harms booted the boy against the wall and ripped the boy’s shirt open while he was disoriented. Sir Harms cackled, “Time to show ya just how unlucky ye are, fuckin little cunt!”

With his claw like fingers, he twisted the flesh of the boy’s gut into a knot and tore a huge chunk out of him. I shouted, “Wow! The practical effects they use on those dummies look so realistic! It’s almost like when I pucking kill people.” Sir Harms stuffed the boy’s mouth with his own innards and yelled, “Eat it, you shit! Eat it if it makes ya so fuckin lucky!” I hurriedly waved goodbye and said, “Alright! It was a pleasure. I’ll see you around, Sir Harms! I’ve got real murderers to stop.” Sir Harms said, “Fuck off, ye fuckin cunt! Blow it out ye fuckin ass... literally!” Sir Harms mooned him and proceeded to eat the gory half processed grains coming out of his newly disemboweled victim’s body.

I left my icon Sir Harms to bask in the clearly fake murder scene and came face-to-face with my own fans almost immediately. Someone asked, “Who the hell is that and why do I care? He... he looks like a guy dressed in hockey gear? Is he... a hockey player?” Someone else said, “No, fucktard. That’s clearly Hockey Cop, no question about it.” A third person announced, “See, I told you! I knew Hockey Cop wasn’t a myth. He’s the hero of Ice City.” I said, “I’m not just any hero, motherpuckers. I’m your pucking hero!” The person yelled back, “Woohoo! I like the sound of that! Here comes the pucking hero!” The police chief shook his head and sighed miserably.

The veteran officer grumbled, “This is who passes for a fucking cop these days? That poor fruitcake will be eaten alive in there.” A sea of reporters tried rushing towards me, but a rookie cop took initiative to divert their attention off me with a loudspeaker. The rookie officer said, “Everyone, everyone! Clear the way for our hero! He’s got a cop killer to catch.” The senior officer hit him with the baton and said, “Can you give it a rest, you goddamn moron? Hockey Cop is a fucking vigilante. He’s not on our fucking side, dumbass.” The rookie said, “Oh, yeah.” The chief said, “Yeah is right dipshit.” The younger less experienced officer asked, “Well, are we gonna stop him?”

The chief said, “Fuck no. I’m not fucking going balls deep anywhere near that fucking war zone. Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you?” The rookie officer said, “No way. Fuck that shit!” Send the suicidal maniac in. Who gives a shit? I say it’s better him than us. I don’t get paid enough for this fucking job anyway.” One of the reporters managed to stop Hockey Cop and said, “Before you go, can you answer just one question. We’ve all been dying to know.” I said, “Very well, motherpuckers. Fire away.” The reporter asked, “Hockey Cop, what separates you from the common criminal?” Hockey Cop said, “To tell you the pucking truth?” The reporter said, “Yes...”

Hockey Cop answered, “I don’t pucking know! Alright, clear the pucking way. Pucking move it along already people! I’ve got motherpuckers to put on ice.” The reporter faced the camera and said, “There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. If that isn’t a red fucking flag, I don’t know what the fuck is. Earlier today, ten officers were fatally gunned down and two of Ice City Channel 10’s very own crew was taken captive by the maniac who shot them. We don’t know what the situation is like in City Hall at the moment. For all we know, there could be more hostages, as well as gunmen. If this is who Ice City has entrusted to save them, we truly are fucked in the A. Thank you all, this has been Ice City suburb Quahog Channel 5 with the National News.”


	2. KILL KILL MOTHERPUCKERS

I entered City Hall. I didn’t bother to check the entrance for any traps. I knew Jerry Pop was expecting me and whatever he had planned for me was going to start with a bit of psychological warfare. It always did with Jerry. Sure, a lot can change in a few years time... but I know you haven’t pucking changed, Jerry. No, you never pucking change... not in the pucking slightest. Why would you ever keep the name Vagina Boy anyway? I thought you pucking hated that name I gave you? You never stopped pucking living in the past, did you? Poor bastard? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost feel pucking sorry for you... Almost. There were a dozen men waiting for me after I got inside. I said, “You’re going to want to let me pass.” One of the men asked, “Yeah? Why the fuck would we do that?”

Answering not one man but twelve, I said, “I’ll give you all two options. You can all step the puck aside or I can pucking go through you all.” None of the fools answered. All 12 of them were as good as pucking dead. I waited until I was being clustered when I willed my hockey stick to action. I beat around the room every which way. I had sharpened the end of the stick with grandma’s sewing wheel, so it was more of a blade with a staff handle and perfect for dismemberment. They screamed as I spun around dizzily in circles, spinning the hockey stick with me as I did so. They screamed and blood fountained every which way. I cutting off all their arms and legs, with the exception of one guy and I cut off four of the men’s heads while spinning around.

Gore and body parts splattered around the twisted Merry-Go-Round from Hell, painting the entire room red. Their bodies all flew different ways, some slamming into the walls with even more splashes and splatters of blood. That was 11 down. Only one more to go. The last man said, “No, wait! I can take you to him.” I gritted my teeth and said, “I know you will. This is the pathway you’ve chosen.” I sliced the man in half from head to toe. I casually past through his body as it split in half lengthwise with a rain of gore and bloody innards. I had completely soaked myself in the blood of a dozen men. I said, “Told you I’d go through you all, didn’t I?” Killing them was pucking easy. No, killing them was too pucking easy. Clearly, they were the diversion. Jerry was the dangerous one causing all the ruckus with the police outside. It’s always been you.

You could have been anything in the world, yet you chose to be a pucking asshole. I entered the room where Jerry was waiting for me. Jerry said, “I’ve been waiting for you.” I said, “You think I didn’t know that, motherpucker?” Jerry asked, “Been awhile, hasn’t it?” I yelled, “Shut the puck up and go puck yourself!” Jerry said, “I can see you how much you’ve missed me. You made quite the mess in there, didn’t you?” I said, “Just shut the puck up Vagina Boy! You’re a pucking cunt, you know that? No one cares what the puck you have to say! No one gives a flying puck! Understand? I sure as puck don’t!” Jerry said, “Are you really sure? Because it doesn’t fucking look that way to me! One might say you would, I don’t know... give at least a dozen fucks about me!”

I yelled, “Enough is enough, Jerry! Shit! Shit! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re a smart person. I know it. You know it. You know you can’t win.” Jerry said, “Wow, that might be the first time you’ve complimented me.” I said, “Oh, like you ever have. At least, I’ve actually tried to be nice to you in general.” Jerry whistled and said, “And it’s of no thanks to your fucking ass, we lose all the fucking sentimentality we had just a moment ago. Wholesome moment ruined, ladies and gents.” I said, “Don’t act like either of us have a sudden change of heart. Just cut to the pucking chase, will you? What do you pucking want, Jerry?” Jerry flipped the tables on me and said, “The real question you should be asking is what do you want?”

I said, “What?” Jerry pressured me, “Kill me, Ratowski. You kill me and you end it. After everything I’ve done, I’m practically asking for it.” I asked, “Is that what you pucking want, Jerry? Do you want me to kill you? Do you want me to end your pain?” Jerry spat, “No, it’s what you want.” I backfired, “Listen, asshole. I don’t know what you think you know about me, but I‘ve only ever done what the law has asked of me. Jerry said, “Kill me, bastard! Kill me, so you can end the pain once and for all! You know you want to. I know it. She knows it. You know it. Everyone knows Hockey Cop is a fucking murderer. Why don’t you show us. We’re practically dying to find out.” I simply said, “No.” Jerry roared furiously, “No? No, what? Kill me or I fucking kill Diane Simmons!”


	3. PLAN PUCKING B

Jerry seized Diane Simmons and pointed a pucking gun at her head. Diane struggled against him and screamed, “Hey! What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You can’t fucking shoot me! I’m your only goddamn ticket left out of this dump, asshole. You made sure of that when you stupidly shot your other one.” Jerry asked, “My ticket ends with me dying, bitch. I thought reporters aren’t supposed to tune out the details. Did you not catch a fucking word I said? Now I want to shoot you.” Diane stuttered, “This is Channel 5 you’re fucking with here. Who the hell you are again?“ Jerry came about a hair to whacking Diane with the butt of his gun, causing her to flinch. Jerry shook her and yelled, “Shut the fuck up!” Jerry aggressively denied her kicks and reasserted control. I said, “Let it go, Vagina Boy! You’re at the end of your pucking line.”

Jerry laughed, “Oh, for the last goddamn time! Heed me or go fuck yourself, pussy man! I’ll already told you how it’s gonna go, so what? What’s it gonna be, shithead? I’ll put a fucking bullet in this cunt’s head like I did your friend.” Not expecting to be called a cunt, let alone grabbed like some pucking animal, Jerry’s hostage yelled, “Hey!” He at once sparked my anger as well, but it was albeit a more confused one. Not knowing what the puck he was talking, I asked, “My friend? What friend? What did you pucking do?” Jerry laughed, “Wouldn’t you like to fucking know. I reckon I can brush your memory, but not before I brush Diane Simmons’ memory... all over the fucking pavement! How would you like to really make Channel 5, huh? Maybe they’ll make a monument of you. Maybe not. Today, I reckon I’ll make a fucking mark of my own, huh?”

Diane asked, “Well, Hockey Cop? Are you gonna fucking kill him or not?” I was immediately suspicious of Diane and said, “He’s not going to kill you.” Diane asked, “Yeah? How the fuck do you know that?” I said, “I’ve seen you play. I know how you operate.” Diane said, “Oh come the hell on. Everything is too goddamn at stake to be so politically opinionated. This isn’t the time or the place!” I said, “Oh, but it is. It about as pucking convenient as it gets.” Diane asked, “Meaning?” I explained, “Being the reporter that you are, you and Vagina Boy probably worked out some publicity deal together. Some post-death pucking special. You had enough time to talk business before I got here, didn’t you?” Diane asked, “Are you willing to take that risk... at the expense of another loss?” I said, “You want me to be frank with you? Puck yeah, I’d say I’m willing.”

Diane said, “Well, I know I’m not going to stand around and take this shit. I’m a respected news reporter and I’ll be damned if you ruin my reputation on some fucking whim.” I asked, “Respected, you say? Are you implying that you do things by the book. Your team is a total suburb from home too or was that your doing as well?” Diane said, “It doesn’t matter what you think about my rep, because you’ll go down for this one way or the other. The book can be followed and thrown at you any day of the week. That’s just the way the world works or did you think about that too, fucking psycho?” I said, “Again yet again, it’s too convenient.” Diane said, “I guess you have a choice then. Kill him or don’t. What the fuck should that mean anything for me anyhow? My life, perhaps?” I asked, “You’re Channel 5 News Reporter Diane Simmons, are you not?” Diane asked, “Do you want a fucking autograph or something?”

I said, “No, sorry not sorry. I don’t think I do.” Diane groaned, “Fine, cockblock. Be that way. I will get my fucking story from you one way or the other.” Before she could go on, I also decided, “I don’t don’t think I’m gonna kill Vagina Boy either, but don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t kill him even if we didn’t pucking share history.” Jerry asked, “Wait, what?! Did he just say what I think he said? Kill me, motherfucker! Kill me! Fucking kill me! Just kill me already, you goddamn coward!” Diane reiterated, “Yeah. Why don’t you just fucking kill him? What do you have to lose anyways. Your integrity? Don’t make me fucking laugh. I know a thing or two about not having integrity. Just ask the sorry mangina poking against my ass cheeks.” This time, Jerry yelled, “Hey!” Before he could do anything to repair his image, Diane said, “Kill him. If not for me, do it for yourself.”

Already having made up my mind, I expanded, “As much as I want to, that’s also what he wants and certainly not what he deserves. Suffering in jail for the rest of his already miserable life is what Vagina Boy really deserves. That is what the law says right?” Jerry loosened up and said, “You can call me Jerry, fuck. Everyone knows my name here. God, what made you so fucking stubborn?” To the surprise of both of them, Jerry threw down his gun in defeat and said, “Besides, who was I kidding to think I could ever be worthy of someone who could just magically crush someone’s nuts one magical fucking day?” Neither me nor Jerry had won. This victory was out of our hands entirely. With the newfound opening, a squadron of SWAT officers poured in. The police naturally cuffed Jerry and quickly took over the scene. Jerry wanted to be my arch-nemesis so badly.

In the end his head wasn’t in the right place, as Jerry had inadvertently led to his own downfall. At least, that’s how it seemed. As Jerry Pop was being led off, Diane reassured him, “Don’t sell yourself so short, Jerry Pop. It’s because of you we now know who Hockey Cop really is.” Oh, puck. When Jerry was completely gone from the picture, Diane turned the spotlight to me. Diane told me, “In all honesty, YOU and Jerry are just a pair of pussies. It takes a woman with balls of steel to stick to her fucking story. I stuck to the book, but I didn’t tell you what book that was. This is my book, not Jerry’s and not yours. Jerry is through. He didn’t make the cut, but your chapter on the other hand? That’s about to come to a fucking close and very shortly I must add.” I felt my spotlight brighten as an evil grin began to stretch across Diane’s face. She passed me an invisible microphone and asked, “Do you have anything to say for yourself... Gary Putin Ratowski?”


End file.
